Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
