enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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