im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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