I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
