It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
