so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
