im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
