The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
