I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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