Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
