he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
