YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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