I think my vagina is haunted
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
