Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize