i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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