Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
