I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
