I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
