You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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