Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
