So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
