I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
