got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
