The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize