why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
