Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
