what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
