dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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