Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You took a bar mat shot.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
