I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize