I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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