I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
