i dedicated my morning wood to you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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