I am in a vortex of obligation.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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