I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
