just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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