I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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