I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
