Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
