they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
