I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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