dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I touched a dick in church today
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
there is glitter all over my balls
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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