i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
