The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
