My sheets look like a crime scene.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
