The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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