do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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