I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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