Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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