rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
