Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
