I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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