You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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