Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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