She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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