Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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