Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
