if i can run in heels then i can drive
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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