you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
