I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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