I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
