Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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