I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
