There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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